An Asshole In June

I feel like an asshole. That's a blunt way of putting it. It's never easy to do things you don't want to, and speaking for myself, I generally never pretend to be something that I'm not. But lately, it's been tough. I'm struggling through two jobs, a play, and trying to be in two places at once; I guess I could look at this situation positively. But amongst all the dust, I'm not having a great time.

What I would like to do is take a trip and settle down somewhere where there's no one but myself, a place of mind and time to sort out my thoughts. But I know I'm not gunna get to that place anytime soon. There's too tall of a wall in my way, too thick of a wall. If I was superman, I'd wreck my way through it, but that's not how it works. On the bright side, kryptonite doesn't affect me. Too bad for superman. Does anyone truly know what it feels like to have your blood boil? We feel that way, but it isn't really happening. What's happening is life, and no matter how hard I try to convince myself that there's no way around it, I still feel like an asshole.

Not the kind of asshole that you might be thinking of. I don't bully people, I don't do mean stuff like that. I care too much, trust me. Although I might not be letting others down, I'm letting myself down, and I feel like an asshole. Here's a story you might have heard too often: I'm fucking lonely. I need that particular person in my life, and I an so goddamn pissed that I don't have that person. Someone to smile with when you just simply look at the person, someone to hold when you're cold, someone to fall for. And I feel like an asshole because I'm not putting myself out there. If there's someone I feel I could get to know, I won't, because, for say, my best friend likes that person, or there's some sort of tension floating around that no matter if I could just simply push that tension away, I'm letting it get in the way. I'm not going for what I want, I'm not letting myself find what I want. It feels like I'm reveling in the same bullshit since the dawn of time. I'm screwing up, and there's June for you. Perhaps next month will be better. I got one of those fortune cookies after eating at a chinese restaurant, and my fortune was a little sincere, I guess.

"Luck will come when you least expect it."

Great. Now I'm always going to be expecting it and none will come. Damn you, fortune cookie. Damn you.

We've Got Talent

Another day, another dime. I know that doesn't make any sense, but let's pretend that it does, for one moment. What does that even mean? For each day, do you get a dime? Or perhaps 'dime' is supposed to signify something. Maybe each day is as expensive as the last, perhaps each day is as important as the first, and as the next. I guess the phrase has it's rights of passage, but let's change it a bit for the sake that I simply want to: Another day, another paycheck. Because each day is what we make it; one day we might make a dollar, and the next, we might just scrap a few more bucks. Has someone ever earned a million dollars in one day (and I'm not counting those who won a lottery, or something)? Can people honestly say they give their all in a single day, give their all to get the biggest paycheck that life has to offer?

I'm doing a talent show, tomorrow. I tell you this because I figured it might be appropriate to tell you something that's going on in my life. It's been a while since I've left a post; I pretty much abandoned everyone. Not on purpose, never on purpose...it's been a busy time. I'm shooting videos for myself and scholarships, and I've been meeting some pretty great people, and I'm in a talent show, and my Finals are next week, so I've got to study and be the best I can be...I should get a big fat check at the end of this month.

Money isn't that important, though. There are many more things much more important than a dollar bill. I'm not going to twist my gears into cliche mode, or anything, but I'm speaking the truth. If my partners and I win the talent show, we'd each get three-hundred dollars. That's a hefty amount of money, whichever way you look at it. But the fact that I'm actually in the talent show and am going to perform my heart out for hundreds of people...that's what matters, right? Would the paycheck be greater for the feeling of joy? To be honest, I'd rather have those feelings, and the winnings. But who wouldn't, right?

I'm not here to prove a point. Perhaps next time. I simply want to say hello once again, because it's been too long since I've shared my thoughts with everyone. And yes...I'd like to remind everyone to be their best. Money's cool, but you're cooler, and you're allowed to prove it.

I'll take the blame.

You don't realize what you're missing until it's gone. I hate to admit it, even to myself, but why should I hide from the truth? I think about everyone nearly every day, and I'm not exaggerating. There are just so many people that I always keep in mind, and honestly, I don't think it was ever that way until I realized that I wouldn't be seeing these people, anymore. I talk to them, sure, but it isn't the same as seeing their faces as much as I wanted to. Nothing is the same, anymore.

I can't help the way I feel. I wish I could take back so many things...so as long as I live with that mentality, I won't ever be satisfied. There were people I wronged, people I pushed away, and it was never my intention to hurt anyone, but like I said; I can't help the way I feel. I always dream about getting all those people together and giving out a speech to tell them how much I care, how much I wish they'd understand that I didn't mean to push them away, didn't mean to do the things that I had done; I care so much. Now I sit here, and I write this, and I simply wish deeply. It's all I can do. These people...they all live different lives, they're all taking different paths, and whether or not they're doing the right things, I wonder what could have been different if I had made a bit more of an effort. I remember graduation, and there were those who cried, there were those who hugged and didn't let go for the longest time. If I would have known how hard it was going to be without those people in my life, I would have bawled throughout the night. It just...sucks. It really does.

I was in class nearly a half hour ago, and there are people in there whom I get along with, and they're great; the teacher was late, so we played hangman on the board, and a girl named Nicole asked me to play Dots with her, the game where you make the squares before your opponent can (that's as good of an explanation as I can give). It felt nice to have those connections with people. Perhaps those same people will be around in my life, forever. I wouldn't mind, at all. But at the same time, I could remember playing hangman with the people I had grown up with, playing Dots or whatever with the girls I grew up with. And knowing that...well, it won't ever be the same, again. I wouldn't dare say I'm miserable, or depressed, or whatever word you might use; I'm not. But I took my life for granted; hell, I still do. Despite what I might say to anyone, despite how strongly I feel towards life, is it possible to live it without taking anything for granted? What hurts is that, ultimately, I found that I had taken everything for granted. Nothing comes easy, nothing goes easy, I know this, but when it takes this long to realize how much more I should have cared, and not just because it's eating away at me inside...you know that you regret at least something. And I won't deny it. I wish I could just take everyone's hand and tell them how much I care about them.

But maybe it's too late. That's a harsh reality to deal with, but do we dare say it isn't? Do we honestly believe that there's always time? I want to believe it. Yeah...I want to believe it, too. Maybe I should just say, "The hell with it!", and throw myself out there. But would it really change anything? Some people would accept it, but when you were that close to someone...something's always different. And you want to be around those certain people as much as possible when you actually do see them after all the time had gone by, but for some reason, you don't want to show it. At least, it's how I feel. Maybe I feel like they don't care as much as I do, like, somehow, it shows.

But I wouldn't blame them. I don't blame you.

Mind over matter? Yeah. Right.

It's currently cold. Like usual. And it got me thinking, as I always do during any circumstance. I've heard countless times that as long as you set your mind to it, you can overcome anything, no matter how harsh it is, but this is bologna, of course. It's not the saying itself that drives me banana-sandwich, but the concept doesn't apply for simply anything. For your philosophical pleasure, I've made up some examples:


If you try liver, you're going to hate it, no matter how much you plea with yourself.

If your nose is stuffed, you get angry. You hate it.

If your nose itches, it perseveres. You must itch it or else you will go insane.

If you hit your funny bone, you laugh for some reason. And it's really not funny.

If the keyboard is missing its legs that prop it up somewhat, you hate it.

If your best friend is snoring loudly at night, you can't block it out. You yell at them. Maybe it's because that person's your best friend. They shouldn't be doing things like that.

IF THE FIRE ALARM GOES OFF, ITS LOUD. Not quiet. LOUD. DEAL WITH IT, AND HATE IT. I mean, seriously, has someone ever said, "I love the sound of the fire alarm, it just gets me all tingly inside"?

If you're in the desert, it's hot. Don't try to pretend it's cold, because it won't work.

When someone does something embarrassing on a television show, you inevitable feel embarrassed, as well. Note that I said inevitable. You cover your eyes and say things like, "Oh, my God. What the hell is he thinking?!"

Pulling teeth is the worst. It only happens when your tooth is tied to the door and someone else closes it, not you. It's impossible.

You can't move things with your mind. Matter wins, again.

If Timothy destroys the public restroom, we'd all do the same thing: take two steps in the bathroom, then one step out. Because that's how fast we'd be out the door. If it stinks, there's no denying it.

You can't tell yourself that there will be a next time. Because you'll always regret it. Another win for matter?

If it's dark, it's dark. Duh.

If it's bright, it's bright. Duh.

If you were to plummet off a cliff and hit thirteen different rocks on the way down, don't tell me you could block out the pain. Only Superman could do that. Unless Lex had previously injected him with Kryptonite. Then no one could do it.

Note to teenagers: saying you won't get pregnant isn't going to guarantee anything. So stop it.

Could we honestly pretend that a question mark is an exclamation point, and an exclamation point is a question mark? I didn't think so.

Yeah, you try putting your finger against a hot iron and pretend it's no big deal. I swear, irons are hotter than the sun.

We can't fly. Many people have learned the hard way.

If the dude has a shadow going on, the girl can't stop themselves from saying so; *kiss, kiss* .. "Mm, you're so poky." Um..thanks?

If there's a tornado, we're not going to run towards it.

On April Fool's day, moms can't stop themselves from trying to fool us. And somehow, it always works.

Mascots are fun to look at. We can't make ourselves look away when they decide to sit down right next to us.

If it's red, it's definitely red.

If something works, we're not going to pretend it doesn't. Who would do that? Could you imagine someone throwing the toaster across the kitchen because they were trying to pretend it didn't just toast their strudels?

If it's cold, you're cold. And you hate it.

Welcome To March

There was a lake, a vast bed that shed ripples one after another as a breeze that I could not feel because it was just a dream swept over the city; tall buildings sat at the other side of the lake, and between those buildings were the buildings that were not so pristine; and as the dazzling sun shot through the cracks between the clouds, which were creating an odd floral design, the song queued all around me...

It was like nothing I had ever heard, before, yet somehow, it was familiar, each note sounding so clear that I could just imagine where my fingers would lay on the neck of the guitar if I was to play it. Without any conscious thought, I felt my head turning fluidly this way and that, taking in where I was standing: there was nothing around me within fifty yards, save for the grass that welted where the concrete started, and then there were broken buildings, a car that was beaten to hell, several inanimate objects that I could not name, now, and as I stared, the song continued, flowing with the same pattern, but then there were drums! And a second guitar started to fade into the rhythm, providing for a more chill-inspiring experience, and finally, there were words, wrapping around the patterns of the music, barreling in my ears, and the words spoke perfectly for the instruments I was hearing. And suddenly, I felt myself missing a small part that no one should be without. "Can you feel it? It's not like we could have been without some light, before we realize that these motels and city streets are the best parts of our lives."

I had nothing to hold on to but what was around me, and I suddenly knew just what everything represented; be it the tallest buildings or the vastest sea, everything represented that even the smallest things somehow give us comfort in a time when we don't have anyone to hold on to. And as I woke from that dream, I found myself for the longest time delving into the music I was hearing, forcing myself to remember the words, because, like those motels and city streets, they were as much a small thing that gives me comfort so that I could go on until I found someone to hold on to. When I do, I won't pretend that it's bright enough to keep me satisfied for the rest of my life.

I stood at the foot of my bed, staring at my guitar, wondering if I could pull it off. My pick was stowed beneath the strings at the second fret, and I couldn't help myself. I picked up the acoustic as gently as I could, readied myself, trying to remember that beautiful song, and I began to play. It wasn't right at first, but after studying each note and what could be or not be, I found what I was looking for. And taking those words I had heard before I awoke, I allowed the dream to come to life, allowed myself to start the morning with something precious:

"Can you feel it? It's not like we could have been without some light, before we realize that these motels and city streets are the best parts of our lives."

I've decided to call the song "Welcome to March". Not just because I had the dream on the first of March, but because when I looked out my window and saw the sun streaming across the lawn and the woods, saw the cracks through the clouds and the grass seeping through the patches of snow, I could nearly hear the song as though I had fell asleep once more.

Friendship is unnecessary.

I've been preaching a particular theme for this month that I've decided to start my blog, and interestingly enough, I came across a quote that ties friendship with reason to live the lives that we do, one that came from C. S. Lewis, or Jack, as he was nicknamed. I believe I now have the incentive to preach that we shouldn't take any amount of value in our lives for granted.


"Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival."

C. S. Lewis


On a separate, but related, note, I found this quote highly entertaining:


"I don't need a friend who changes when I change and who nods when I nod; my shadow does that much better."

Plutarch (a Greek philisopher)

A Story of a Lesson

"I was born to live. No, that's not true. I was born to do whatever the hell I was born to do. It's a gut thing, you know what I'm sayin'?"
"I'm not sure you know what you mean."
"Is that right? What about you, what were you born for?"
"I was born, just like you, and I'm here, just like you."
"Yeah. Right."
"Listen, there's a reason for everything, you might say. But what reason is there for this to happen, what's going to happen if things turn out badly, what reason is there for that?"
"There's always a reason, even if you're too idiotic to figure it out."
"C'mon, that's uncalled for, you know what I mean."
"Do I? All I know is that you can't understand anything, I mean, when's the last time you decided to do something irrational, what can you remember doing?"
"I don't plan to do irrational things, there's no reason for it, see? That's all I'm saying."
"So there's a reason, you just don't wanna do anything irrational. Me, I've brought this upon myself, and look at all the attention I'm getting! See, there is a reason for everything."
"But what's your reason for doing this, what are you trying to prove?"
"Nothing."
"That's it?"
"That's right, nothing, there's nothing to prove except for what you see. It's who I am, and there's a reason for it."
"But you can't tell me what the reason is."
"I don't have to. God has his reasons, and things play out according to what he wants."
"Would he want you to do this?"
"Obviously, I mean, I'm here, aren't I?"
"But he wouldn't want this to happen, why would anyone want for this to happen? What do you think is going to happen to you after this happens?"
"Where else would I go? My only options are Heaven and Hell. Heaven's preferable, but no one ever really knows, do they? We're all fated to go somewhere."
"Alright, so you'll end up in one of those places, but why do you think there's reason to go now? What good will come out of this? You'll die, and everyone who's ever cared about you will have some piece of them that's going to be crushed, God really wants that?"
"You know what God wants, then?"
"I...I never thought about that, I always thought about myself, and...and where I was always at at the time, nothing else, because when it comes down to it, we choose what we wanna do. You know?"
"I chose to do this. Uhuh."
"Yeah, you did. But you can choose to undo it, no one's stopping you from making your own choices."
"You're trying to stop me from making this choice."
"Well, what if I care, what about those who care about you, they'd all think the same thing, right? They know you have a choice."
"They'd let me make this choice, I know they would. Who are you to tell me what my family would want for me? They'd all be right here next to me throwing a parade, if they had the choice."
"So they'd want for this to happen to you?"
"Who knows what anyone wants?"
"I know what I want, and that's for this to not happen. Damn it, it's not so much that you're misunderstanding me, you're being ignorant, pushing away the fact that there's nothing stopping you right now from ending this."
"You want me to put an end to all of this?"
"Just...I don't mean it like that, just, don't do this, can't you feel it in you, don't you know that you can make that choice?"
"You know, you're a persistent bastard."
"Well, I can't help it. Somehow, you learn a lot from a person who's about to kill themselves, more so than you would learn from anyone else in an hour, and I care. I do."
"Well, if you cared, you know what you'd do? You'd tell me to do this. You don't know what it's been like, you don't have a clue, and if you did, you'd let this happen."
"No one deserves this, I know that much, at least."
"No one? You honestly believe that? You can't think of one person you'd want for this to happen?"
"No, listen. This isn't about anyone else, it's about you."
"Then you'd let me do this."
"I can't let you do this."
"You talk about choices, but what choice do you have right now? What other choice do you have but to sit there and watch all this happen, what can you do about it?"
"You're right, I don't have any other option, but you do. We're not talking about my choices, we're talking about yours, that's what matters right now."
"You mean, you're talking about my choices. I don't have anything to talk about."
"What are we doing right now? We're talking."
"And we should probably be doing less of that."
"Don't you dare, you don't have to do this."
"I shouldn't dare?"
"Yes."
"God. No matter what I do, nothing good is going to come out of this, you know that, right?"
"It's a matter of life and death, and you don't deserve death."
"What do I deserve? You seem to know everything."
"No one deserves anything more than anyone else."
"That's a lie."
"How's that?"
"It's bullshit, that's how. Look at all them movie stars, they don't deserve any of the glamor any more than I do?"
"I'm not talking about glamor."
"You just said anything."
"Just...c'mon, don't do this."
"You really think I can undo all of this?"
"Yes, I do."
"Or is this just another lie?"
"I wouldn't lie to you."
"I'll just suffer more, you know that?"
"As long as you suffer, you know you're alive."
"So why wouldn't death be preferable?"
"Because you couldn't live for anything."
"Are you trying to make a funny?"
"Yeah. Maybe I am."