I'll take the blame.

You don't realize what you're missing until it's gone. I hate to admit it, even to myself, but why should I hide from the truth? I think about everyone nearly every day, and I'm not exaggerating. There are just so many people that I always keep in mind, and honestly, I don't think it was ever that way until I realized that I wouldn't be seeing these people, anymore. I talk to them, sure, but it isn't the same as seeing their faces as much as I wanted to. Nothing is the same, anymore.

I can't help the way I feel. I wish I could take back so many things...so as long as I live with that mentality, I won't ever be satisfied. There were people I wronged, people I pushed away, and it was never my intention to hurt anyone, but like I said; I can't help the way I feel. I always dream about getting all those people together and giving out a speech to tell them how much I care, how much I wish they'd understand that I didn't mean to push them away, didn't mean to do the things that I had done; I care so much. Now I sit here, and I write this, and I simply wish deeply. It's all I can do. These people...they all live different lives, they're all taking different paths, and whether or not they're doing the right things, I wonder what could have been different if I had made a bit more of an effort. I remember graduation, and there were those who cried, there were those who hugged and didn't let go for the longest time. If I would have known how hard it was going to be without those people in my life, I would have bawled throughout the night. It just...sucks. It really does.

I was in class nearly a half hour ago, and there are people in there whom I get along with, and they're great; the teacher was late, so we played hangman on the board, and a girl named Nicole asked me to play Dots with her, the game where you make the squares before your opponent can (that's as good of an explanation as I can give). It felt nice to have those connections with people. Perhaps those same people will be around in my life, forever. I wouldn't mind, at all. But at the same time, I could remember playing hangman with the people I had grown up with, playing Dots or whatever with the girls I grew up with. And knowing that...well, it won't ever be the same, again. I wouldn't dare say I'm miserable, or depressed, or whatever word you might use; I'm not. But I took my life for granted; hell, I still do. Despite what I might say to anyone, despite how strongly I feel towards life, is it possible to live it without taking anything for granted? What hurts is that, ultimately, I found that I had taken everything for granted. Nothing comes easy, nothing goes easy, I know this, but when it takes this long to realize how much more I should have cared, and not just because it's eating away at me inside...you know that you regret at least something. And I won't deny it. I wish I could just take everyone's hand and tell them how much I care about them.

But maybe it's too late. That's a harsh reality to deal with, but do we dare say it isn't? Do we honestly believe that there's always time? I want to believe it. Yeah...I want to believe it, too. Maybe I should just say, "The hell with it!", and throw myself out there. But would it really change anything? Some people would accept it, but when you were that close to someone...something's always different. And you want to be around those certain people as much as possible when you actually do see them after all the time had gone by, but for some reason, you don't want to show it. At least, it's how I feel. Maybe I feel like they don't care as much as I do, like, somehow, it shows.

But I wouldn't blame them. I don't blame you.