An Asshole In June

I feel like an asshole. That's a blunt way of putting it. It's never easy to do things you don't want to, and speaking for myself, I generally never pretend to be something that I'm not. But lately, it's been tough. I'm struggling through two jobs, a play, and trying to be in two places at once; I guess I could look at this situation positively. But amongst all the dust, I'm not having a great time.

What I would like to do is take a trip and settle down somewhere where there's no one but myself, a place of mind and time to sort out my thoughts. But I know I'm not gunna get to that place anytime soon. There's too tall of a wall in my way, too thick of a wall. If I was superman, I'd wreck my way through it, but that's not how it works. On the bright side, kryptonite doesn't affect me. Too bad for superman. Does anyone truly know what it feels like to have your blood boil? We feel that way, but it isn't really happening. What's happening is life, and no matter how hard I try to convince myself that there's no way around it, I still feel like an asshole.

Not the kind of asshole that you might be thinking of. I don't bully people, I don't do mean stuff like that. I care too much, trust me. Although I might not be letting others down, I'm letting myself down, and I feel like an asshole. Here's a story you might have heard too often: I'm fucking lonely. I need that particular person in my life, and I an so goddamn pissed that I don't have that person. Someone to smile with when you just simply look at the person, someone to hold when you're cold, someone to fall for. And I feel like an asshole because I'm not putting myself out there. If there's someone I feel I could get to know, I won't, because, for say, my best friend likes that person, or there's some sort of tension floating around that no matter if I could just simply push that tension away, I'm letting it get in the way. I'm not going for what I want, I'm not letting myself find what I want. It feels like I'm reveling in the same bullshit since the dawn of time. I'm screwing up, and there's June for you. Perhaps next month will be better. I got one of those fortune cookies after eating at a chinese restaurant, and my fortune was a little sincere, I guess.

"Luck will come when you least expect it."

Great. Now I'm always going to be expecting it and none will come. Damn you, fortune cookie. Damn you.